Why Do Couples Fight?

Why Couples Fight and How to Resolve Conflict—Insights from Gottman and the Yerkovichs

Conflict is an inevitable part of any close relationship, especially romantic ones. While it may seem like couples fight over small things—dirty dishes, tone of voice, or who forgot to take out the trash—there are often deeper emotional currents beneath the surface. Understanding the patterns behind these conflicts can help couples not only fight better but grow stronger through the process.

Two influential relationship books—The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich—offer complementary insights that help us understand why couples fight and how they can resolve conflict in a way that strengthens their bond.

Why Do Couples Fight?

1. Different Conflict Styles Gottman’s research has shown that conflict isn't necessarily harmful to a relationship—it’s how couples handle it that matters. Some avoid it, others confront directly. Problems arise when conflict styles clash, or when destructive patterns take over.

2. Emotional Attachment PatternsThe Yerkovich's focus on how early life experiences shape our relational style—what they call "love styles." These styles (Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, Victim, and Secure Connector) influence how we respond in conflict, often subconsciously. For instance, an Avoider might shut down when tension rises, while a Vacillator seeks intense connection and feels abandoned easily.

What Happens During a Fight?

According to Gottman, there are four behaviors that can predict the breakdown of a relationship, which he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

1. Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior.

2. Contempt – Treating your partner with disrespect or sarcasm; the most destructive.

3. Defensiveness – Avoiding responsibility by blaming or counter-attacking.

4. Stonewalling – Withdrawing from the interaction and shutting down emotionally.

These behaviors escalate conflict and erode trust. The Yerkovichs would argue that these are often rooted in unresolved childhood experiences that shape how we react under stress.

How to Resolve Conflict: 7 Principles and Emotional Insight

1. Enhance Your Love Maps Gottman emphasizes the importance of knowing your partner’s inner world. Understanding their fears, dreams, and triggers creates empathy and helps during conflict. This aligns with the Yerkovichs’ idea of developing a secure connection through emotional attunement.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration Conflict is less damaging when couples maintain a baseline of respect and affection. When you see your partner through a positive lens, you’re more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away Gottman notes that small moments of connection—responding to bids for attention or support—build resilience in a relationship. This mirrors the Yerkovichs' advice to "stay emotionally present," even when it feels risky.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You Healthy relationships require mutual respect and shared power. Accepting influence means listening and being willing to compromise—key to diffusing fights before they escalate.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems Focus on managing conflict constructively. Gottman offers a five-step approach:

• Soften your startup.

• Make and receive repair attempts.

• Soothe yourself and each other.

• Compromise.

• Tolerate each other’s faults.

6. Overcome Gridlock Some conflicts are perpetual, but that doesn’t mean they’re hopeless. The key is to understand the underlying dreams and values each partner brings to the table. The Yerkovichs help couples explore how past wounds might be keeping them stuck.

7. Create Shared Meaning Gottman encourages couples to build a shared life together—rituals, goals, values. This creates a deeper sense of “us,” which helps weather storms more effectively.

Bringing It All Together

How We Love encourages partners to recognize and work through their emotional imprints—those unconscious patterns formed in childhood. Healing those patterns helps create what the Yerkovichs call a Secure Connector, someone who can remain emotionally present and regulate their reactions in conflict.

When combined with Gottman’s structured, research-backed principles, couples can both manage their arguments and understand the deeper emotional dynamics at play.

Final Thoughts

All couples fight, but not all fights are destructive. When partners understand why they’re triggered and how to navigate disagreements with empathy and skill, they can use conflict as a pathway to deeper intimacy.

As John Gottman writes, “Conflict is an opportunity to learn to love your partner better.” And as Milan and Kay Yerkovich emphasize, “Your relationship is not the problem—your history is.”

Healing your love style and learning effective conflict skills may be the most transformative investment you can make—not just in your relationship, but in yourself.